I am going to take some time to write... You are all going to be sorry you asked me to do this... But as I write I feel a need to write more... Will you allow me to take a few moments of your time...? If not.. I will continue to write...I have found a kind of Peace in doing it... I must warn you that you may be shocked with some of my stories.. But I hope you laugh.. maybe cry... Not sad tears but tears of Joy for the Wonders that God can do.
The first memory of my childhood is when I was about two years old with my Father at the bottom of the stairs.. he had come home drunk once again. Whether he fell or was pushed by my mother...(probably deserved) I did not know or understand.. Actually... that is the ONLY memory I have as a young child involving my Father... You see.. he was a brilliant man ... He was a rep for a drug company and was the top salesman... I am told... But something went wrong.. Terribly wrong...Maybe it is in the genes.. My biological Grandmother died in her early 40s curled up in the Fetal position in some Mental Facility in Salt Lake City Utah... I have no memory of her.. ... Back to my Father... I guess a couple of drinks after work with clients, or maybe a sampling of the Drugs he peddled to Doctors was the first step to a long long life of desperation ... He was a good looking man back then.. I have seen pictures and heard of his wit and intelligence... I never knew that man. When he passed my Mother called me and said "your Daddy is dead... I am so sorry..." there were tears in her voice... I felt numb... I felt as if I should be sad... he was in every sense of the legal term my Father.. But he was never my "Daddy"... I suppose she was sad.. she had loved him once and had put her future in his hands only to have it washed away with a bottle of Whiskey... I did mourn him... But not in the way that a Daughter mourns the loss of her Father.. for me he was a distant story.. Someone I felt no connection to whatsoever.. and because I always had my Grandpa... (The most wonderful human being ever born....)(ask anyone.. they will tell you!)I never really felt the absence...I mourned him because he was so talented... So smart and funny and witty... (at least that is what they all said..) and the choices he made continuously , over and over again.. never learning from them.. led to a very sad life.. A despondent life....A life filled with the consequences one gets when they don't learn their lessons... I wonder often where he is now... If God takes pity on such lost souls.. If he understands that some people just don't get it.. Needless to say at age 64 he died in a trailer Park in Salt Lake City.. alone.. ... noone to even know he was there for days...
To die all alone... with nothing... to have noone even notice you are gone... and the only things that could be said of him was that he was successful when he was young and had a great wit...Wow... There is nothing worse than that .. to me... What will people say of you at your funeral? That when you were young you had a great wit? My goodness... Please.. if reading my blog does anything at all for those who read it make sure you are not that person... Live your dream.... God loves you even when you screw up time and time again... But LEARN through your mistakes... and teach your children ... or try to.. what life is all about... To me.. it is doing what you say you are going to do... making a difference in peoples lives... and first and foremost always ask Jesus for his direction... This is advice that I needed so badly as a child... My mother remarrying when I was young to a man.. again not many memories.. I do know he adopted me at some point.. My brain conveniently forgets things in childhood... I am sure if I knew it all I would be the one curled up in the fetal position...
I do have to say that this man was a Wonderful man from what I remember... He and My mother had My sister and brother...But when they divorced, I never saw him again....
My brother passed away a few years ago in his early twenties... Talk about defining moments.. I was at work one afternoon in a sales meeting when I got the call.. It felt as if the floor came out from underneath me. My little brother was a genius.. I mean a true genius... He was so smart that half the time he spoke you couldn't understand him because he used words you had to go look up in the dictionary afterwards ...He could listen to a song.. then go play it on the piano... He schooled at Amherst in Boston then went over seas to Greece to school and had the world at his fingertips... I am not quite sure what happened that made him sick.. Maybe because he was a genius.. maybe he too made some bad choices. The tragedy behind his story is that he had just enrolled and been accepted into Law School after many years of fighting all kinds of demons.... Oh Ronnie.. I think of your laugh ..I often think of your never ending need to annoy me when we were young... How you and Anna would try to kill each other and could never be left alone... ! Your gift at playing the Piano... Your heart of gold that you didn't know how to share...
Sometimes life just gets to hard... For all of us.. there is noone walking on earth that has not had their fair share of pain... of tragedy... It is what we do with it that makes the difference.
I need to tell you to talk to God..., Just try it if you haven't... I promise he is listening...