Guilt .. its part of life...

Welcome.. Been a long time.. Time.. Time is a funny thing.. it sneaks up on you like a thief in the night and before you know it you are on the verge of 50 blogging while doing the Suzanne Summers thigh master because you feel guilty for sitting still for that long...
Yes.. I can rock the thigh master... I love it.. actually.. the thigh master along with the Fascia Blaster have allowed me to stay clear of the cellulite ridden legs of most people more than middle age as I am.
I am past middle age now and am on the downhill slide
Getting old terrifies me... to be honest.. looking at myself in the mirror most days terrifies me.
Somewhere in between 43 and 48 old man Time sneaks up on you and steals your youth.
I am a Nana to 3 so I suppose I shouldn't feel like I'm 20 ..but I do.. I DO feel like I'm 20.
I'm a 20 year old stuck in a 49 year olds body.. with three grand babies.

So much has happened since the last time I blogged I cant possibly tell you everything.. I CAN tell you the one defining moment was the death of our beloved Tracy.
Marks sister was 46 years old when she passed of Cancer leaving behind three beautiful children ... one devastated husband and brother and two forever changed parents.

If someone tells you time heals all wounds they are lying.
Time does not heal .
Time allows  you to process and learn how to live with loss in a new way of life... but it does not heal.

There is a sense of guilt that comes when a loved one close to you dies.. It is palpable.
Not if it is a person that has lived a full life and is ready to move on..
No I'm talking about the one that shares your age, your lifestyle.. your hopes and dreams...
The one with children that are now left without a mother.
The one who loved without boundaries and had a whole life ahead of them.

You feel a sense of guilt for living. for having grandbabies.. for waking up.
For planning weddings and birthday parties.

Right now as I sit.. I am watching some show with talking pigs with hair on their faces..nick jr.... as my two year old grandson runs up and down the stairs in between playing with me and waiting for the brownies he and his mommie made from scratch to be finished baking.

Jordan.. and his wife Jenn recently moved back from California here to Texas... So did Tyler and Amber.. Carli and Chet also purchased a house close to us so we are all within about 20 miles of each other which is an amazing thing. Jordan and Tyler .. and sometimes even Jenn still work in California so it can be challenging but they all seem to be making it work..

Jenn hates staying home alone when Jordan out of town so her and Ryan spend a lot of time her which is just fine by me.. Mark is traveling quite a bit these days so it relieves the loneliness for us all.

There have been a bunch of blessings.. a lot of hardship too.
Thinking back over the last few years I am amazed at all we have overcome.....
A loss of a job.. a loss of a sister.. a diagnosis of a blood disease for my baby girl. Just to name a few...
It reminds me that all things are temporary.. that all mountains can be climbed and that we should never ever give up.

That you should love without judgement.. laugh without boundaries and just live every single day to the fullest no matter what it may be in the season you are in.
Some of us it means getting to get to the bottom of the laundry basket.. others it is finishing the 25k.
Whatever it is for you.. do it..
get up off the couch and live.
Just live.
When I leave this life behind my only hope is that those that knew me can think of me with a smile.
That I was able to give that to them.
Maybe because I have 500 bottles of shampoo and 300 bags of chips.
Maybe because I always say what I feel.
Maybe because I loved them..Really loved them.


Okay friends.. thank you for spending some time with me.. I promise I will update as I have lots to tell!
We are planning a wedding!!

My defining moment of thought.
Guilt cant get you anywhere .. and you cant change anything.
I know it hurts.
The past is just that ..The past.
learn from it.